for quitehomoerotic: Welcome to the Boeshane Peninsula

[rude_not_ginger]

Follows this.

When the Doctor woke, he was prepared to feel stiff and uncomfortable. Usually, when reaching that point of exhaustion, he usually found himself on the floor or on the console, in some sort of an awkward position that left him sore for the next day. This morning, however, he was out of his clothes and stretched out on his bed, under the covers with a heating blanket.

A breathing heating blanket.

He raised an eyebrow and looked to where Jack had an arm around him as he slept. The previous day came rushing back. Pearl Harbor, the goodbyes, the return of Gallifrey, being captured by the Shadow Proclamation, and finally nearly killing Jack. They came so very close. Too close.

Without really thinking about it, the Doctor found himself wrapping an arm around Jack's shoulder. Jack, who was ready and willing to die the previous day. And the Doctor was willing to give him that. He had been willing to give him that. Not anmymore.

Where could they go, now?

Onwards, of course. It was the only way they could go.

The TARDIS wasn't moving anymore, and the Doctor slowly extracted himself from Jack's embrace. He grabbed his trousers and shirt and threw them on quickly, heading towards the console, hopefully before Jack woke.

Comments

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

"Well, for me it was Christmas Day," he said, cheerily. He loved talking about his favorite planet, and there were never enough times he could properly talk about the first time he arrived.

"I had just landed the TARDIS on a pile of snow and---oof!" He half-fell towards Jack when the other man pulled his arm. He was never one to question Jack's instincts, of course. He peered over, trying to figure out what, exactly, sparked his fear.

"What is it?" he hissed.

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack leaned his back against the wall and kept his hand out to his side to keep the Doctor by him too. But just like the Doctor, he couldn't help but look, and so he leaned himself over a little to look.

What he saw made his heart swell.

There was a woman, so very well known to Jack. She was milling around a few stalls away, talking to the owner, collecting items to purchase. And in front, a young boy of about 10 years old, his arm in a cast and a small ball in his other, which he bounced back and forth against the floor.

"Remember that kid I was telling you about?" he said quietly, looking only briefly at the Doctor. "Well, see him for yourself."

Because that little boy, was Jack.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

The Doctor's eyebrows hit his hairline, and a huge grin broke out on his face. Oh, the sheer number of laws of time and space they were breaking was astronomical, but it was absolutely brilliant. Little Jack Harkness, arm in a cast, walking about on his home world. How different he looked to the adult next to him, the one who was so close to death the night before.

He wondered what the little boy had planned for his future, how he expected his life to turn out.

"Ah, little Skye," the Doctor cooed to Jack. "Little ball and all. One day, the fact that'll alter the universe." Though, even now, he could see the future moving and rippling around the boy as he moved, Jack's fixed state drifting back along his own timeline.

He raised his eyebrow at the woman. "That your mum?"

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

"Handsome little devil, isn't he?" Jack said with a grin. So strange to look over and see himself. "Oh he'll steal some hearts."

He spoke about the child that was himself in an almost idealistic way, as though it were someone else, not him, not referring to himself, even when he was.

It wasn't a day he could remember, in the market with his mother, it was so standard. And now to know, just a few feet away once stood himself and the Doctor, it was dizzying.

At the same time, though, he'd made a conscious effort not to look at his mother. It had been a long time since he'd seen her. He missed her.

But he looked again.

"Yeah," he said softly, a fond and private smile on his face. "Yeah that's her. Beautiful, isn't she? Oh she was brilliant, Doctor."

And just ahead, almost on cue, she called ahead.

"Skye get back here, stop running off. What have I told you about running off? Plenty of time for that. And where did you get that ball?"

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

The Doctor chuckled at her admonishment. His own mother had been like that, too. Stop running off, stop making your family worry. And in the end, she died, too. Everyone did, no matter what side they were on.

"What do you think she'd have said to you last night?" he asked.

No matter how Jack apologized, the Doctor couldn't forget it. Couldn't forget how close they were to mutually letting him go. It was as much the Doctor's fault as anyone's. After all, he was the only one who could've done it.

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack was watching his younger self and his mother with a fond sort of smile. His mother looked exactly as he remembered her, right to every detail. The sound of her voice was like music to his ears, and he felt as though if he let himself, he could get lost in it.

But he couldn't get lost. The Doctor spoke and it took a moment for Jack to realise the words, but as soon as he did he turned his head sharply, looked at him, shocked.

For a moment, he was utterly speechless.

Just a moment though.

"Don't you dare bring her into that."

He looked again back to his mother, more sadly this time. "She wouldn't even recognise me."

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

"Course she would," the Doctor said, keeping his eyes on young Jack and his mother. "You're her son. I've regenerated ten times, and my mother still recognized me. It's part of who they are, Jack."

It was cruel, bringing her into it. Maybe part of the Doctor resented Jack's decision the night before, resented him for putting the Doctor in the place he was, for making him have to choose what was right and what he wanted.

He shook his head. "Next time that thought comes into your mind, just think about what she might've wanted, even if you don't think about what I might want."

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack repeated the Doctor's words in his head and gave himself a moment to believe he'd actually said them. When he'd satisfied himself of that fact, he grabbed him by the arm and pulled him a little out the way.

"Don't you dare say something like that to me," he said, stepping forward, well and truly invading the Doctor's personal space. "Who the hell do you think you are? Mr high and mighty. Don't think about what you want? Sometimes I think that's all I think about. Don't you dare even act like you know a thing about her. You don't, and you will not use her as a tool to guilt trip me! You know sometimes if you told me what it was you wanted instead of pushing and pushing at me things wouldn't have to get that way in the first place!"

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

The Doctor didn't back down.

"Oh, so it's my fault, now?"

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack flared with anger under the surface, and moved forward further still, though there was barely space between them as it was.

"Oh sure put words in my mouth now. Make it all about you, because everything is, right? So you can feel just that little more sorry for yourself. Well no, Doctor, not everything is about you. You think you're so superior, don't you? Still think you're above everyone, but you're not. You want to know if you played a part in last night? Then fine, you did. Make you feel better to know that, does it? But it wasn't just you that got me there, Doctor, it was me. So I'm sorry if you can't have that glory all to yourself!"

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

So much for a quiet, happy afternoon.

The Doctor's temper rose, but he glanced back to where people where shopping and chatting. If they caught too much attention, Jack could see himself, and that would cause far too many disruptions in the fabric of time. Far too many things could go far too wrong.

Wanting the glory to himself, though. The Doctor was so insulted, he felt ill.

Without a word, the Doctor spun on heel and started back towards the entrance of the city.

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Oh but Jack wasn't about to leave it there.

He glanced back to his younger self one last time. His mother was still there, but she hadn't noticed the slight commotion, nor had the boy. They would be there and gone and nobody would be any the wiser. A little like so much of his life.

But there was little time for reflection as he stormed after the Doctor, waiting until they were far enough away to confront him by grabbing hold of his arm and tugging him.

"You know one day you might just storm off and I won't be there when you turn back around."

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

The Doctor pulled his arm roughly away from Jack. Not here, not in Jack's home city. This wasn't fair, starting this here. Why did the Doctor have to start it here? Things were going so well.

"At least then, I won't have to worry about you wanting to die," the Doctor snapped. "Because no matter how sorry you were this morning or how badly I want to move on from it, you still wanted to die. And only I could do it. And---Jack, I can't. I just can't."

He couldn't handle the thought of losing Jack. Of having to give him up, not like that. Maybe it was why he brought up Jack's mother, of what she might feel. Because, really, he wanted Jack to feel guilty. He wanted Jack to hurt, the way the Doctor was hurting.

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack continued to follow. He wasn't going to let this lie, to let this fall. He had said to the Doctor to tell him if something was wrong, hadn't he? And in a way he supposed he preferred this outburst than his keeping it in entirely, but then that didn't stop it being utterly and completely frustrating.

"Yeah I did," he said, not going to hide it or shy from it. "I did and I know I put you in that position, I know that. And trust me, oh just trust me on how bad I feel for doing that. You're all that's left that matters to-- Doctor you're all and there--" he took a heavy breath.

"You don't think I understand? I do. But you agreed to it, Doctor. You agreed when all I wanted you to say was don't!"

And on that, he stopped. He hadn't meant to give that away, and the fact he had embarrassed him and he glanced down and sighed.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

"It's a good job you feel bad," the Doctor snapped, taking another few steps back. "We wouldn't want anything less, Jack. Anything less."

He felt like he was a ball of carbonation that had been shaken up and hard. He'd held it in since the previous evening, even held it in as he opened the door, ready to let Jack out. And now, after all this relaxing, he couldn't hold onto it anymore.

"And do what, Jack? Let you suffer?"

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

"Yeah I doubt you would," Jack snapped back, "after all, anything I do you pretty much always just throw it back in my face. Or hey, why don't we sit down and have a chat about your favourite topic: The Master. I'll get the snacks and we can settle in for the evening!"

And Jack never meant to address that, something that grated away. And he'd been willing to listen, he always had. He'd been willing to do anything for the Doctor and to him it felt as though it were constantly thrown back at him.

"Oh it's all suffering!" he said, throwing his hand. "You know that as well as I do. We just punctuate it with things that aren't because that's life. What's the point otherwise. You have to feel pleasure to feel pain. You just try and shut it out, all of it, and don't tell me you don't."

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

"Are you jealous of the Master?" the Doctor asked with an incredulous laugh. Of all the people in the universe, the Doctor thought Jack might understand. But why would he? How could he? The Doctor wasn't even sure he understood his relationship with the Master.

The Doctor reached the gates and offered a salute to the men as he zipped by them. He couldn't stop moving. Couldn't stop. Couldn't stop.

"You don't see me standing on the edge of oblivion," he said to Jack. "I don't want to go."

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack, at heart, wasn't a violent man, and there were very few times he wanted to honestly lash out. But here, faced with that question? He had an incredibly strong urge to smack the Doctor around the jaw.

"Oh sure, because I'd just love to be in his shoes, wouldn't I?" he said sarcastically. "Not everything I think or do revolves around you, Doctor," he added, not entirely truthfully.

He followed him out though, barely sparing a look to the men.

"Well hallelujah!" he said, "Finally you've noticed it, because seems to me you've been suicidal since I met you! You know what I think? I think you resented me for stopping you getting in that box. I think you wanted to die!"

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

The Doctor spun around. "It was my time to go!"

The words came out before he had the chance to stop himself, and he stood there, dumbfounded by his own confession.

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack was just as shocked. Just as surprised. He had suspected it was how the Doctor felt, suspected it entirely, yes, but he had no confirmation, and to say it he'd been going out on a limb.

But here in stark truth was his confession.

The anger left Jack now and he merely felt sad.

"No," he said with a sad shake of his head. "No, it wasn't. Is that what you would have preferred? If I had just let you? Like you were going to let me? Guess maybe that makes you a stronger man than me, Doctor. Because I'm sorry but I couldn't do that. I can't. I never could."

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

The Doctor had almost been ready to die. Even that final shout at Wilf and how much he insisted he wasn't ready, he was. He stood there, on the threshold, and knew it was time. And now it was gone, like Jack had snatched it from him. And it was stupid, stupid, stupid! Stupid to think that he'd missed something by not dying there, but he felt like he had. Felt like it was time to start anew. Start without pain.

"Well, maybe we think differently, then," he said. "Because I was ready to give you peace. Even if it meant I'd be alone."

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack didn't want to get upset. He didn't want more of that, any of that really. But hearing the Doctor speak, hearing him say those things, it cut away at him inside. His heart felt heavy, and he wondered if all he'd been was selfish.

He wanted to ask if living was that bad, but how could he? How after the last night? Because he knew how hard living could be. How painful.

"I guess I'm just selfish," he said quietly, sadly. He looked down and shook his head.

"I'm sorry," he sighed. And he meant it, he truly meant it.

"I'm sorry if I took that from you. It wasn't my decision to make."

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

"Don't," the Doctor said, shaking his head. "Just don't."

Because there wasn't time to think, was there? There was the moment the Doctor reached out for the door, and the moment afterwards. If he'd waited even an instant longer, Wilf would've died. The Doctor shouldn't have resented the fact that his choice was taken from him, because that wasn't fair.

But he was ready. Ready to go. Ready to start over.

He looked away from Jack, out to the water below the sandy cliffside.

"How bad are the rocks?"

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack wanted to say something. He wanted to do something but he had no idea what. It seemed that everything he tried to do was wrong. Even the things he planned for the best part of three years, he had always assumed that's what the Doctor would want.

He held too much stock in stolen moments that meant everything to him, and had focussed on that and not the bigger picture. The Doctor could regenerate, the Doctor could move on. Maybe that was the excuse he had wanted.

He took a deep breath and wiped a hand over his face, frowning as he processed the question.

"A little sharp for a few feet," he told him with a monotone voice, "nothing you can't handle."

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

He hesitated for one moment. Jack knew the Doctor's most terrifying secret, even if he didn't know why it was so terrible. He knew the way the Doctor's mind worked, and the two of them had managed so much in their time together. They survived what they both believed would be the end of their lives. The Doctor should've been grateful. He should've been proud.

He took a breath, and started towards the cliff at a run.

Once, in his seventh life, his companion had been at the point where the Doctor was now. She'd lost everything, had everything in her life torn apart. When she leapt into the water she was so terrified of, she came out different. Clean.

Maybe it would be the same for him.