for quitehomoerotic: Welcome to the Sahara Desert

[rude_not_ginger]

follows this.

The Doctor woke only a few short hours later and found himself positively disappointed at his lack of dreams. He'd spent years asleep without dreams, and now, when he really wanted them, he still had nothing. No memories, no twisting nightmares, not even a good brain-dump of nonsensical mental garbage. Just nothing. He was asleep next to Jack on the bed, and then he was awake.

He sighed. His memory was still swiss-cheesed with missing parts of the last two hundred years, but there seemed to be more gaps filled in. And that was something, wasn't it? It meant maybe a few more nights of dreamless sleep and he'd be back to himself completely.

He just hoped there weren't more memories like Mars to discover.

He looked over to Jack, asleep next to him. This was what Jack loved the most, he said. Not sleeping alone. Not being alone. In that instant, the Doctor understood it.

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[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

The look on the Doctor's face made Jack's heart sink. This was all his fault. Jack should have protected her. The Doctor had trusted him to look after her and take her to safety and look what happened? The Doctor should blame him.

Carefully, he detached his hand from hers, and pushed himself to standing, one hand against the floor. He was wobbly on his feet, the gas still in his system a little. It would take a while to disperse.

He moved himself towards the door and put one hand flat to it.

I can't, he tried to tell him. The room is secured.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

The Doctor shook his head. She thinks of everything. Thought. He looked past Jack at Bea's body. She looked like she'd gotten older in their time apart. Even only four months, it wore on her. He could've continued to stare, but the ship rocked again with the force of another wind gale. He darted to the side panel, pulled out his sonic, and undid the security.

Now, Jack. Get here, we'll get to the TARDIS.

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack leaned forward a little and he felt like his legs could give way. His whole body hurt, both inside and out. He turned his head back and looked at Bea's body. The blood that had leaked from her wound was matting with the bottom of her hair and colouring the bright blonde a dirty red.

He flicked open his wrist strap and his eyes seemed to haze as he looked at it. He wasn't sure if it was the effects of the gas or just his inability to cope.

He pressed a button and disappeared from the room, re-appearing moments later on the other side of the wall, next to the Doctor, almost immediately slipping down the wall to the floor. He didn't look up at him.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

"We can't sit here," the Doctor said. "We've got to find the TARDIS, get out of here. This ship is going to be destroyed. Come on."

He had to keep moving. He couldn't stop right now. He couldn't think about Bea, he couldn't think about the things he'd remembered, and he couldn't think about the fact that he didn't even give Bea a hug before---before---

"Get up, Jack! Let's go!"

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack didn't reply to the Doctor's words. He stayed silent even as he pushed himself up to standing. He hurt. Everything hurt.

He flicked his wrist strap open and looked at the display.

"One floor up. Storage 47," he said, closing the cover again and starting to walk in that direction. No other words. He didn't have any.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

"Don't walk," the Doctor snapped, starting down the corridor, "Run!"

He'd already fallen once in this corridor, but that wouldn't stop him from running again, faster this time. There was a loud crunching sound, as the storm seemed to tear the ship apart at its seams.

He darted up the stairs just as water started pouring in from the ceiling. The ship was taking on water. If they stayed, they'd be at the mercy of the storm, at the mercy of the water and the wind.

He threw open the door to storage 47. The TARDIS stood there, calm and patient as ever.

"In!"

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack didn't argue, he just ran. The metal of the ship seemed to groan as it ripped apart, it was as though it were a vast creature in pain. It seemed somehow appropriate.

On the stairs Jack stopped only briefly to look up to a crack in the hull where the water came through like a flood. The desert outside must have been like an ocean, and for a moment, he considered what would happen if he stayed.

It was a fleeting thought though, and he was soon running up the remainder of the stairs and to the TARDIS.

He put a hand to the handle and she opened without need for a key. He head inside quickly and moved around the console, pressing a button or two to try and read the status of the storm. He left the helm to the Doctor.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, I know, it's bad," he said, throwing his coat over one of the columns and pulling down the brake. "We need to get out of here, now. The ship won't be able to explode without a pilot, but hopefully whoever or whatever is controlling the storm will think they've got us, it might buy us a little time."

He turned a few dials and smacked the side of the console with the hammer, only to find it didn't need the extra jolt. The repairs Jack had made turned the usually rough exit into something resembling smoothness. But they weren't out of the storm yet.

"Hold on, this might be rough."

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

"It usually is," Jack said without irony or mirth. His face was blank, almost vacant, and he was utterly closed up in any way possible. Holding himself away, using every age old mechanism he ever had. A cold exterior to hide the truth beneath it.

The TARDIS shook a little as the time rotor started moving and they dematerialised away from the ship. Outside he could hear shudders of lightning as it attacked the damaged ship. Still the ship though, he hoped, and not them.

They shook again, rocking back and forth, knocking Jack from his stance, one foot losing stability and making him fall to the floor.

And then, quite suddenly, they evened out. They were away. Still in the vortex, but away. He pulled himself back up and looked up at the time rotor.

"Right," he said, his voice flat.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

"Yeah."

Anything, anywhere, away. He thought about running. He thought about racing away from all of this and going somewhere, anywhere else. He thought about the places he could go and the things they could do instead of thinking about this or, well, anything. Anything at all.

But as he thought, he realized he'd moved to a sitting position next to the console, his back against the coral and his knees pulled up against his chest.

"I never found out," he said, quietly.

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack wasn't sure he was really looking at anything. Staring up at the time rotor but not really looking at it. His eyes felt blurred, but he knew that was just himself refusing to focus. An extra barrier from the world around him.

Still, the Doctor's words made him turn his head towards him, and find him on the floor. He took a step around, slow and lazy, and he put his fingertips against the Doctor's shoulder, just slightly.

"I should have got her out of there," he said. And then a pause. "This is all my fault."

All his own selfish fault. His own desperation to revive the Doctor and have him back. But if he never had then that woman would have lived. She'd have had her child and in a way? The Doctor would have lived on. But his blind desperation and selfish desire to undo what had been done, and bring the Doctor back, it had all led to this.

"I think I'm going to just..." he gestured a hand back towards the doorway. He needed to do something. He needed to fall apart. But not in front of him.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

"Yeah," he said, nodding.

The Doctor needed to get away, too. Somewhere where he didn't have to think. Didn't have to consider the things that never happened, that should've happened. But if he started moving onto things that should've happened, he had no idea if he'd get out of that.

"Sometimes," he said. "Time Lords can see things that could be. But I can't. I can't in this case."

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

It wouldn't have helped to have the Doctor disagree with him, not really. It wouldn't have been any better for him to claim that it wasn't Jack's fault. But something in the lack of that made the realisation of all he'd done wrong just stew away a little in his stomach.

He moved over towards the door and paused, his hand against the frame.

"I think," he started. "I think it might be time for me to go."

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

"Forever?" the Doctor asked, looking over to him, pathetically.

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack slowly turned his eyes towards the Doctor. He looked at him, and wanted to look away. "Maybe," was all he could say. "Maybe."

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

"If that's what you want."

The Doctor wanted to scream at him. He wanted shout at him and shake him and inform him that no, this was not a good idea in the slightest. Instead, he just sat there, looking up at him and unable to conjure the appropriate level of anger for that.

"I'm better off on my own."

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

His eyes had dropped down and he lifted them at the Doctor's words.

"I don't think it's about what I want any more. Look where'what I want' has got us."

He couldn't pretend he didn't want the Doctor to tell him that wasn't what he wanted, an excuse for him to tell himself it was a bad idea. Though that was selfish too, he shouldn't expect the Doctor to make his decisions for him.

And so they were back to the weak little lies both of them knew were false, it seemed. They knew each other so much better than that. The Doctor was never better alone, Jack knew that much.

"You need another Donna," he said. "Not another Jack."

He took a heavy breath. Glanced down and then aside. "Maybe I'll start Torchwood back up," he said, flippantly. "Someone needs to look after that rock when you're not around."

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

This was stupid. Beyond stupid. It was utterly painful, and it was something that the Doctor did not, at all, want to deal with. He just lost one companion and he wasn't entirely sure he was ready to lose another.

"Jack," the Doctor said, suddenly, quietly.

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack's hand was still on the doorframe, and he quietly wondered if he'd be able to stay standing if he pulled it away.

But like a magnet, the Doctor speaking had his attention.

"Doctor."

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

"Leave me alone."

The words weren't harsh, they were merely sad. Because that was, right now, where the Doctor was. He was sad. So utterly and completely sad. And he didn't want to be sad like that around Jack. Not after everything.

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

If the Doctor had shouted at him, it would have been one thing. Many things were said with the heat of anger and rage. But this was different. It was rooted deeper than that.

Jack merely ducked his head.

"Yeah," he said, echo and empty, and he looked at him just a moment longer before walking from the console room. He headed along the corridor and stopped, because he realised, even in the TARDIS, where did he have to go? The room that had once been his, he hadn't used in the years that passed. In fact the equipment that had monitored him when he was in his coma was still there. Everywhere else? When it came down to it? It wasn't his.

So he went to a stairway and stepped down one or two, and sat there in silence.

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

The Doctor stayed in the console room for a very long time. He didn't move, he couldn't move. It felt like the paradoxes in the universe were crumbling around him and if he so much as breathed in the wrong way, the whole of creation would crumble. It was the sort of pain he felt when any loved one passed, he decided. Only worse, because he not only lost Bea, he lost the life he might've had, and he lost Jack.

All in one go, that was a record for him.

When he finally got back up to his feet, he flipped a few switches on the console, effectively sealing the doors so Jack couldn't just leave. He wouldn't have him leaving over emotions, they almost lost him that way once. This time, if Jack wanted to go, he could, but he'd have to tell him later. For now, the Doctor would go into his room and lie there. He couldn't sleep, not yet, but he could lie and wait until the pain numbed somewhat. That would be for the best.

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack had no idea how long it was that he sat on those stairs, it could have been five hours or five days, it didn't matter. He simply sat there, staring out at nothing, and thinking of all his mistakes. It was a long list of things he'd failed in. And as he'd long ago assumed, everything he touched fell apart.

He couldn't let that go on. He just couldn't.

His shirt was torn and he had traces of blood on him, and so eventually he thought to change. Change and fetch his coat that had been left out in the bedroom what seemed like an eternity ago.

But then there were so many small eternities.

Standing, he brushed himself down, and he walked steadily towards the room. He walked in, but hadn't expected to find the Doctor there. Immediately he made to move back.

"Sorry, I didn't realise you were-- I'll come back later."

[rude-not-ginger.livejournal.com]

"It's all right," the Doctor said. He loosened his tie and threw off his jacket. "This is your room, too."

It was odd, saying that. But it had been true before. Before they both started dying and leaving the other alone. Before...well, just before.

He turned back to Jack. "You sure you want to go?" he asked.

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack's back relaxed slightly, and he took a slow step back into the room. He supposed it was. The whole TARDIS had been for the last few years, but Jack never really felt like anything was truly 'his'. It was hard to accept anything as that.

"No," he said honestly, shaking his head and standing with his back leant against the wardrobe.

"It's not about what I want. Looks what I do when I'm around. And I think--" he looked down again. "I think maybe we had a window. Maybe we missed it. I don't know any more."