for quitehomoerotic: Welcome to the Sahara Desert

[rude_not_ginger]

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The Doctor woke only a few short hours later and found himself positively disappointed at his lack of dreams. He'd spent years asleep without dreams, and now, when he really wanted them, he still had nothing. No memories, no twisting nightmares, not even a good brain-dump of nonsensical mental garbage. Just nothing. He was asleep next to Jack on the bed, and then he was awake.

He sighed. His memory was still swiss-cheesed with missing parts of the last two hundred years, but there seemed to be more gaps filled in. And that was something, wasn't it? It meant maybe a few more nights of dreamless sleep and he'd be back to himself completely.

He just hoped there weren't more memories like Mars to discover.

He looked over to Jack, asleep next to him. This was what Jack loved the most, he said. Not sleeping alone. Not being alone. In that instant, the Doctor understood it.

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"You never saw me," she said. "It was always talking about how things were. I finally got you to talk about Jack, cause I thought that's what you wanted. And I think maybe you did. And then you wanted to move on, but I guess only one night with me was moving on enough for you. Cause you didn't even wait around until the morning to run off to another adventure and pretend nothing happened."

The memory of that slowly started to fill in. He remembered her, an adventuress nearly caught in a rock fall that he saved. She was awestruck by him and he knew it, but he didn't feel the same. He liked her, but he couldn't love her back. But she wanted him to talk, she wanted him to open up. To him, it was almost like therapy. To her, it was like she was finally becoming someone important to him. And one night in her room, she leaned over and kissed him. It was against his morals to take advantage of her, but he did. He told himself he was moving on from Jack. That 150 years without him was a long enough celibacy. And it was good, it was just...not what he wanted. He led her on, and within a month, she was leaving in an angry fit. He didn't want her to pine for him, so he blocked her number and stayed away.

Until now.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Bea, I'm so sorry."

"Aren't you just?" she said. "I wanted to know if he was worth it, Doc. Was he worth all those years of waiting?"

There was suddenly a bang at the door, and the Doctor spun around. "What is it, Jack?"

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"Doctor there's a storm!" Jack called through the door, both of his hands flat against the heavy metal. "It's here, it's found us. It's raining already and it's getting worse. We have to get out. She has to give us the TARDIS back so we can go. Doctor we can't stick around here. We can't stay!"

The commotion alerted two of the guards that were around earlier, and before he knew it Jack had two of them attaching themselves to his arms and attempting to drag him away.

"No," he said. "You don't understand I have to get out of here. We have to leave."

They pulled his arms behind his back and he felt some sort of laser cuffs being attached. "Oh great so you notice me now."

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"Like I told my guards, that's not possible. This is a desert," Bea---because as his memory filled, she was no longer just 'the woman', she was a companion and onetime lover---said.

"No, you don't understand, something is following us," he said. "Something big, something terrible, and something that can't be stopped."

"Yeah," Bea snapped. "Me." Fed up with it all, she picked up the intercom and pushed a button. "Get the Doctor and his companion down to the cells."

"No, Bea, you don't understand," the Doctor implored as the door opened and two more guards came in with laser cuffs ready for the Doctor.

"No," she replied. "You don't understand." With an irritated sigh, she moved her chair back and stood up, revealing the rest of her body to the Doctor. She turned to the side. Her apparent svelte figure didn't extend to her belly. Then, she reached over and shut the screen off.

He stared at the screen in shock, not even bothering to fight as the handcuffs went on him and he was dragged back down the hallway towards Jack.

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Jack tugged fruitlessly against the cuffs. They were hard ones to break from without losing a hand in the process, and as much as if he did he'd have it grow back, it wasn't really something Jack wanted to deal with unless he really had to. Still, he tugged.

"You're going to the brig," one of the guards unhelpfully informed him.

He tugged again but just then the door was opened, and the Doctor was there but there was something wrong. He panicked. The Doctor looked distant, detached, and Jack worried what was wrong.

"Doctor what is it? What did she do? Talk to me."

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The Doctor moved where the guards pushed him, staring blankly into space. It wasn't possible, his mind told him. It wasn't possible, he was far too old and that ship had long since sailed. But there it was. And he knew Bea, he remembered her. She wouldn't lie about this. She wasn't wrong, because she fancied that she was never wrong.

The guards pressed a pad on the wall and a dark room with a cot opened up. They were shoved inside, and the door was promptly resealed.

"She wasn't lying," he said. "I remember now. I remember everything."

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

When the door was shut the room was filled with darkness. Jack could barely see much but the crack of light around the door. He moved back and kicked the door but it didn't budge.

He tried the cuffs again but no look, and so there was little more he could do but sit down and remember the fact he was actually quite considerably discomforted by dark and enclosed spaces. It really wasn't time for that.

He took long and controlled breaths, measuring himself not to panic.

"What, so you slept with her?" he asked quietly, the jealously still there over that too. Ridiculous.

"Wait what do you mean everything?"

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"There wasn't a lot of sleeping going on," the Doctor said, his voice deadpan. He didn't bother looking at the door, he didn't bother worrying about the TARDIS. He didn't know how to do anything but try to process what he'd just learned.

"Everything," he repeated. "The holes in my memory, Jack. They're gone. Filled in. It was like the last push I needed to remember."

He gave a small, cynical laugh. "A shock to the system to wake everything up."

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Jack glanced down again, away, focusing on the gap of light at the bottom of the door. It hurt a little, and didn't the Doctor know that it would? Having him rub it in like that?

But the revelation made his head turn again. His heart sped slightly, and though he wanted to feel elated, it was almost like something was blocking that.

"So what does that mean?" he asked, feeling foolish and small, and having no idea whatsoever that there were bigger revelations to be had. "With us."

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The Doctor gave him a Look.

"Don't think in that tone of voice, Jack, it's not like you waited around for me. Three days, remember?"

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"Not like I waited around?" Jack repeated incredulously. "What about the last five years?"

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"Yeah, well, I waited 150 before her," the Doctor snapped back. Not that he hadn't almost gotten into that sort of a situation before. Not that he hadn't been in that this-would've-happened-except-something-blew-up once before. But, in general, he lived a long life only on adventures and companionship. It was the way he liked it.

He began to pace the small room. He stopped and looked at Jack, furiously. "And it was only one night."

He paced again. "And I didn't realize this would happen."

Part of him wanted to be very, very excited. The rest of him was utterly petrified.

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Jack very nearly jumped at the tone in the Doctor's voice. He focused on that gap at the bottom of the door, and focused too on his breathing.

"You were the one that left me, remember?" he said quietly. Remember. Oh because he could now, couldn't he?

"And I did wait for you. I waited years for you. It might have been three days between her and you but it had been 112 years since I'd seen you. Or," he sighed, "I thought it had."

He shook his head and closed his eyes a moment.

"What? Someone else got attached? And that still surprises you?"

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The Doctor didn't know how to say it. He didn't. He couldn't figure out how to form the words or breathe through his vocal cords and just say it. It was almost too unreal.

And then, without preamble, it came out of his mouth. "She's pregnant."

He swallowed. "Judging by her body shape right about now she's nearing five months."

He let out another cynical laugh. Surreal. That was really, really an excellent word for it. "Guess I'm not the last of the Time Lords. Again."

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Could there be anything that would catch Jack's attention and then make him feel like his body were ripped in two, it was perhaps that statement. He felt, upon hearing it, like he couldn't breath. It caught in his chest and a series of emotions hit one after the other.

Shock first, utter shock, and then came the jealousy, all consuming. He felt sad, and then almost pleased, but that was fleeting. He shook his head and leaned back against the wall.

"Congratulations," he said, somewhat empty.

He felt selfish, and maybe he was, but he couldn't help but think this wasn't what he'd waited five years to bring the Doctor back to.

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"Yeah."

The Doctor looked back to the door. She wouldn't leave them in here for long, he knew. She'd want to talk, but she was probably trying to control her emotions first. Very like Martha, Beatrice. But where the Doctor purposefully pushed Martha away, he didn't push Bea when he should've.

"I don't love her," he said. "Not like...a lover. I-I never really have. She was better off without me. Now she's a mum. A great adventuress suddenly with a child."

He looked over to Jack. "You all right?"

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"Wouldn't be the first time and certainly won't be the last," Jack said trying to act as though it wasn't something huge. "Hell I bet I've got..." but he trailed and shook his head. Best not to joke of that, it was possibly even true.

The statement made him lift his eyes. Why was he telling him that? What difference did it make. Any? Well he supposed so. It was hard to think in such a small place with so much information going in.

To the question, he lifted his head and affixed a false smile. "I'm fine," he said, overly brightly. "Better when we get out this room. Good that you've got your memories back, that's... good."

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"It's not as small as you think it is," the Doctor said. He sat down on the cot. "The room, Jack, it's not as small as you think it is."

He wanted to reach out and hug him, to try to show him he knew, that he remembered, that it was all coming back into place. But he couldn't. He was frozen where he was.

"I think I should be thrilled," he said. "Rebuilding the race and all that. Something the Master wanted, but he wanted it in his own image. This is...naturally. Bit diluted, but still naturally. And, well. It's...well."

He sighed and looked away. "I wouldn't know how to be a father anymore."

[quitehomoerotic.livejournal.com]

Jack was almost confused at first; his mind not making the right connections. But then he understood and he nodded just a little.

"Small enough," he said quietly. Funny, he'd spent so long in some of the tightest spaces within the TARDIS while fixing her up and that had been fine, but a dark little room like this and he was suddenly underground again being covered with dirt.

He turned his head slightly towards him, looking at him in profile.

"I don't think anyone does know," he said. "Everyone just makes it up as they go along. And if anyone can do that it's you." He took a long breath. "If we all dwelled on our mistakes we'd--" he stopped and laughed slightly, ironic. "Well, we'd be me."

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"Donna called this sort of thing 'Dad Shock'," the Doctor said, smirking just a little. "When Jenny sort of popped into my life. All grown up and troublemaking. And I can't keep a child on the TARDIS with our life out there, Jack, it'll die."

He wondered if Bea wanted him to stay. If that was why she was calling him back, in the hopes that he might. But she wasn't the settling down type. But, then again, there was very little about her that he really, truly knew.

"You raised Alice," he said. "There for her when she needed you."

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It settled on Jack, how the Doctor was talking about Jenny, about Donna. He knew them now. He couldn't disagree though, he knew it was true. Everyone that stepped foot on the TARDIS would either leave or die, it was one of those awful predictabilities.

The mere suggestion that he had any positive influence on Alice's life though? It almost made him laugh. "Lucia raised Alice," he corrected. "Sure, I was there for her. Getting in her way when she didn't want me. And then..." he took a deep breath. "I killed her son. Some sort of Dad that made me. Don't look at me as an example, Doctor. I'm not a good one."

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"If you didn't, millions more children would've suffered a far worse fate," the Doctor said, solemnly. "I meant what I said that night in the bar, Jack. You did the right thing."

And maybe that was what would make the Doctor a terrible father. He knew the bigger picture, he could see it like humans couldn't. And sometimes, it meant sacrificing. Sometimes, it meant losing everything you cared for.

"The longer we wait in here, the more likely we are to find out what that storm is," he commented. "Rain the middle of the Sahara."

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"Yeah," Jack sighed. "That night in the bar."

He fiddled behind his back with the laser cuffs, trying to loosen them enough to deactivate them without losing a hand. Another shift here and... got it. The laser fell away and the cuffs dropped off. He pulled his hands back and stretched them out a little.

"Do you remember why you went to that bar?" he asked curiously.

He looked down at his wrist strap. He could get them out of there, but he wouldn't, he knew that. There was far too much going on for that now.

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"I don't know," the Doctor said. He really wanted to scratch his chin, but the way his hands were positioned behind his back made them impossible. "I got a odd phone call from you, made me think I should figure out where you were headed. Tried to forget about it in case of spoilers."

He nodded to his back. "Sonic in my back pocket. Feel like my arm's going numb here."

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Jack reached around to the Doctor's pocket and pulled his sonic from it before moving to take his wrists and work on the laser cuffs.

"I was at Martha's," he explained quietly. "You'd been dead for years and there I was speaking to you. And you thought I was mad. You barely knew me."

His voice was tired and worn, a little like if he tried to lift it it simply wouldn't happen.

"There," he said, getting the cuffs free.

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"Thanks," he replied. He rubbed his sore wrist and looked over at Jack. They were both getting really old during their time traveling together. He wondered how much of that was the way they lived, or just time.

"In my defense, Jack, I did only barely know you. You and me, we've had years and years together, that me only knew you briefly. Barely knew you when I sat down at that bar, too."

He sighed again, and this time he didn't even bother looking at the door.

"You can go, if you want," he said. "Free the TARDIS, travel for a bit. I can...stay here. Take care of things. Be responsible. Get a planner."